MBA News Briefs

Time-traveling First-Year Strikes Past Self Dead in Crosswalk, Disproves Grandfather Paradox

Ginger Clements, a newcomer to the Flores program, shocked not only all onlookers and passers-by but the scientific community at large last week when she managed to play the role of both assailant and victim in a tragic "accident" north of campus. Although decelerating from the 88-mph speed that was necessary to send her back, Clements nonetheless sustained enough velocity to render her doppelganger completely lifeless. The Daily Reveille was the first to report this bizarre story but refused to further comment when approached by MBA administrators, arguing that "the mistake was clearly a misprint and had nothing to do with multi-dimensional travel."

First-Year Cooper to Run against
Edwin Edwards for Governor Seat

Inspired by his own custodial harassment last Tuesday, Flores student Keith Cooper has pledged to take on Edwin Edwards in the upcoming gubernatorial race. Dubbing himself as a "grand wizard of political might," the MBA enrollee will draw a great deal of the blue-collar electorate as well as the ever-critical hat-wearing demographic. Always the flavorful public figure, Cooper stands to suffer as well as prosper from his wild exhibitionist antics, though he claims his "three strikeout" blueprint for victory is a foolproof technique.

Accounting Guru Disappointed over
Anemic Interest in "Canada Initiative"

Dr. Ken Reichelt, a professor in the department of accounting, expressed considerable dismay yesterday when asked about the progress of his "Canada initiative" brainchild, originally designed as a follow-up and rival to the successful China initiative the university boasts.

"I just can't understand why it hasn't taken off," sighed an inconsolable Reichelt. "I tried to organize a summer trip to Toronto, but the personal photos I showed the students from my past trips there only seemed to deepen the apathy."

The diluted capitalistic sense of America's neighbor to the North may be to blame for the lukewarmth, though experts point to the fact that the project is accounting-based as the primary culprit.

Management Dept Mail Clerk Answers Phone,
Totally Nails It

Nick Jeffries, a low-level intern in the Rucks Department of Management main office who moonlights duties in the copy room, surprised no one more than himself Friday when he—after some hesitation—answered a ringing phone and forwarded the caller to the secretary. There was enough shocked approbation to go around the office.

"I thought the kid was a total idiot," remarked a stunned Kerry Sauley, the professor and researcher who brought Nick on board over the summer as a favor to his parents and a broadly humanitarian gesture. "Now I just think he's marginally incompetent."

Jeffries wouldn't say whether he plans to add phone-answering to his short list of skills and capabilities, but he admits that it has given him more confidence in his other tasks.

"Now when I'm faced with something like letting the professors know when a fax came through or turning the coffee machine off, I can say "hey, I've answered the phone. I can handle this."

88-Year-Old Freshman Finally Finds Third-Floor
Engineering Classroom, Concludes 70-Year Search

A disgruntled octogenarian by the name of Arnold Weston can finally put a lifetime of frustration and exploration behind him and look forward to what will probably amount to maybe four years of painful regret and embarrassment after only just recently locating a classroom he's been looking for since 1938. While many often joke about the labyrinthine design of Patrick F. Taylor Hall (CEBA to the business school nationalists forced onto a small island off the southeast coast of Nicholson extension), the maze that once ensnared an increasingly deranged Weston is to him no laughing matter.

"Curiosity turned into will, which devolved into loopy determination and then into madness—which at the time I called principle. The next thing I knew I was 60. The years just disappear in this place. I think I would have made a great father, husband, member of society, etc."

A few of the building's oldest denizens recall seeing Weston throughout their respective tenures here, but claim that they always assumed he was a professor or a janitor…a janitor with a booksack. Replying to a question of whether this poor and pitiful example of what happens when construction becomes too elaborate could get some kind of honorary degree for his trouble and inconvenience, LSU president John Lombardi sharply
responded with a "Aw, hell no."

Student Simultaneously Breaks Ankle, Develops Pneumonia, Contracts Hay Fever upon Learning of Operations Exam

In what was—depending on one's point of view—either the most unluckily amazing coincidence in the history of humankind or an incredibly convenient pretext, Second-Year veteran Don Lardner was afflicted this past week with a trio of maladies that left him unable to take a pre-announced test in Ed Watson's Operations Management class.

"I think I might actually have rickets too," complained a distraughtly ill Lardner. "I'll have to get my wife to make one of her famous dinners. That'll cheer me up."