David Mautz Deserves Your Love and Admiration

by: David Mautz

Since Will went MIA this week on his duties as whisperer, I have chosen to step in to provide high quality content for this week's newsletter.  My 25th birthday is coming up (Nov 16) and I thought I would shamelessly promote my awesomeness in hopes that you would give me your love and admiration on this special day in my life. 

I will begin by telling you why my birthday is so amazingly cool. 

1. I was born November 16, 1983 in Wimbledon, England.  That's right ladies, I have a little British in me.  My accent is a rare treat, heard only by a select few. 
2. My sign is Scorpio, clearly the most badass and dangerous of the signs.  I mean, it's a freaking scorpion.  Scorpio is considered highly passionate, imaginative, determined, persevering, inflexible and self-confident.  You can ask Mallory Keating all about this crap.
3. November is the best month.  Awesome weather, cool looking trees, and thanksgiving.
4. Finally, I was born on this day - thereby making it one of the most sacred and bitchin' days of the year.

However, the day of my birth is not the only thing that makes me awesome.  There are a plethora of reasons why I am supremely cool (ninja skills, monkey-like nature, astoundingly good looks just to name a few) but I thought I would let my fellow classmates tell you what they think of me.  Naturally, I went to Will for advice on how to interview people.

                "First I stalk the target for a good week.  This allows me to select a good time and location to ambush them.  It helps that they are unprepared so I get an honest response.   Next, I load my utility belt with smoke bombs, tear gas, and sleep agent.  You have no idea how handy that stuff is in these situations. "

I realized then that Will was actually a complete lunatic so I moved on to the interviewing.  I began with the delightful Ms. Erin Wood.

                "Oh David you really are so amazing.  I just want to pet your sexy hair and nibble on your ear and …"

At this point I ran away in fear.  Who knows what she would have done to me if I had stayed.  As I turned the corner I ran into Wayne, so I figured I would get his thoughts.

                "Oh well you know David, you are really cool.  I think you are probably the coolest person of all of the people I have met in America. Do you want to play ping pong on Friday?"

While I desperately wanted to play ping pong, I had more pressing matters at hand.  I had spotted Mary Hansen walking to her car and I knew she would give me an unbiased opinion.

                "You are a total loser.  I'm going to remind you of that every time you try to talk to me."

She then unleashed her most horrific and deadly stare directly into my eyes.  As my head began to throb, my legs gave out and I crashed lifeless to the pavement.  I thought best to stop the interviewing there and go with what I had.

So on November 16th remember to wish me a happy birthday and don't hesitate to tell me how much you love me, even if it is a lie.

P.S. All presents will be graciously accepted.