Society for Defense against Martian Invasions Unwittingly Shows Up to SDMI Meeting, All Parties Unsettled

Though temporarily awkward and confounding, the unintended arrival of the Baton Rouge chapter of the Society for Defense against Martian Invasions at LSU's weekly SDMI (Stephenson Disaster Management Institute) meeting was soon shrugged off as an honest mistake. This marks the first such mix-up since the dual booking of the LBTC (Louisiana Business and Technology Center) and the Little Boys' Theatre Club left dozens of pre-adolescent actors unable to perform their rendition of Hair (though Charlie D'Agostino, director of the Center, was kind enough to donate a Mobile Classroom to help with a subsequent performance of Death of a Salesman). Warren Eller, associate director of the above-mentioned Stephenson Institute, commented on the strange misunderstanding.

"What? This is stupid. I'm hanging up the phone."

Eller's reticence to discuss this recent embarrassment is not surprising, given some of the internal acknowledgements that the other SDMI had actually been the first to schedule the boardroom that day. Even so, his posture is shared by many of those who work around him, including assistant director Jennifer Butler.

"Did Arjen put you up to this?" she inquired in an artful effort to trivialize the acronymic imbroglio. Despite efforts to elicit more information from Butler, she towed the company line with dodgy grace. "He must have. He does this sort of stuff all the time."

The man Butler was referencing is Arjen Boin, director of the Institute and—as a member (shockingly) of both groups in attendance that day—the only one qualified to speak dispassionately on the subject. Nonetheless, his joint commitment to these entities is hardly evenly spread, as his preponderating allegiance to the University's SDMI soon showed itself.

"Martians? Like, extraterrestrials? You probably have me confused with someone else. I'm the director of the Disaster Management Institute, nothing more."

This photo, taken during a training seminar in 2004, casts serious doubt on the Institute's claim that they have never hired "illegal aliens."

Still, Boin's background is riddled with question marks, including his time spent in an obscure realm known simply as "The Netherlands." Whether this place is at all connected with the alternate SDMI or even exists on this planet at all is open for debate, but what remains indisputable is that this story is not nearly as simplistic as it is being portrayed. Nate Bergman, president of the Society for Defense against Martian Invasions, sounded more relieved than irritated during a phone interview conducted yesterday.

"Well, when I heard ‘Disaster Management,' I sadly assumed we'd already been attacked. My heart just sank. I wondered how I could have been so careless and so clueless. I've spent much of my adult life preaching preparedness for the prospect of an otherworldly onslaught, so to eventually find out that we hadn't yet lost was terrific. I don't want to discount what they (the other SDMI) do, but let's be honest. Earthly threats, like hurricanes, tornadoes, sandstorms, insect takeovers, etc. just aren't as pressing as the looming danger of alien spacelords. Anyone can tell you that."

As an act of good faith, the Disaster Management Institute has pledged to work together with its UFO-searching counterpart to ready citizens for potential strikes from other planets. As for whether this incident was an accident at all, both associations are keeping quiet.